02/16/2019
OFFICIAL POLICE ANNOUNCEMENT:
A couple hours ago, around 9:30 this morning, two of our own deputies arrested local resident, Mrs. Elrod at her own home of 23 Oak Avenue for multiple cases of both trespassing and destruction of property. As well as assault against a police officer.
The arrest was authorized and made after multiple reports of people's gardens being ripped apart and defaced had come to our attention. The most consistent victims of these acts were both Pamela Strode and Mrs Blankenship.
The reports stated that their flower gardens would be found ruined with the flowers themselves uprooted and torn apart, scattered all over the yards and even on the front porches. Initially, we believed it to be the cause of local wildlife but discovery of human footprints in the nearby soil disproved that.
Upon further investigation, it became clear that the culprit behind the acts was Norma Elrod. Two eyewitnesses reported seeing an elderly woman in a pink bathrobe fleeing from the Strode residence in the early hours in a rusty Oldsmobile. The license plates matched up with those belonging to her husband Mr. Elrod.
Permitted by Sheriff Leigh Brackett, both Deputy Gary Hunt and Deputy Andy Neale were sent to arrest her only to be met with resistance upon arrival. Allowed entry into the house by Harold Elrod (quite happily so, in fact), the two deputies were set upon by Mrs. Elrod with a broom and frying pan.
"Andy and I were just waltzing in with the cuffs ready, preparing ourselves for the eventual lecture from Mrs. E." Deputy Hunt informed grimly. "But then, she bursts out from the bedroom screeching with a frying pan! I managed to avoid getting a dent in my head but Andy, well..."
"There I was, standing next to Gary, waiting to get this s**t over with when the bedroom door suddenly swings open and Gary starts backpedalling like crazy! Next thing I know, I'm on the floor, missing some teeth!" Deputy Neale had stated, nursing a bruised jaw. "The crazy bitch had whacked me across the face with a goddamn frying pan!"
"I tried warning him. I really did." Deputy Hunt had said, shaking his head. "I mean, the crack I heard was enough to make the most hardened man cringe."
After assaulting Deputy Neale, Mrs. Elrod proceeded to swing a broom at Deputy Hunt, screaming how she was "fixing everyone's dirty whorish gardens", before Gary managed to disarm and subdue her.
Once Deputy Frank Hawkins arrived for assistance, Deputy Hunt brought Mrs. Elrod down to the station for questioning while Deputy Hawkins brought Deputy Neale over to Haddonfield Memorial Hospital where he received proper medical attention for a broken nose.
After being questioned by Deputy Hunt, Mrs. Elrod confirmed that she had indeed destroyed the gardens. Her reasons are as stated:
"I hated driving by, seeing those dirty s***s tending to their equally dirty gardens. Nothing they were doing was right, as usual. They never do anything right! Especially with raising their delinquent children! So I helped them out of the kindness of my old heart by ridding their front lawns of the whorish flowers. But they're so ungrateful. Just like every other dirty bird out there."
Mrs. Norma Elrod is currently being detained without bail within one of our holding cells for multiple charges of trespassing, destruction of property, assault against an officer, and resistance to arrest. No further developments at this time.
